Thursday, October 30, 2014

Ways to Find Sugar in a Sugar-free House

Well, well, well. I'm back. Only a few weeks after my last post. This is record-breaking, I think, compared to my average of 9.35 months 'twixt posting. Not that you care. Or anything. Anyway.

Since Joe (brother-o-mine) has a tumor growing inside his head (not-so-affectionately called 'Wilson'), the sugar intake in our house has dwindled and the kale consumption has easily quadrupled.  Which is a good thing, I guess. Maybe it's the kale (or maybe it's Maybelline), but his tumor has shrunk considerably. Thanks to all of you who are praying, by the way.

But that still leaves the issue of finding ways to fill my daily sugar-quota with as little effort as possible. Rather than swallowing my pride down with a glass of some mysterious green concoction labeled with words like 'energizing', 'antioxidant', 'all-natural', the classic 'completely organic', and '1000% daily value of vitamin A or X or 3.141592 or whatever', I've been experimenting. With fairly favorable results. I'll never turn to the dark side, mom. Or, at least not the dark leafy green side. Bless you for trying, though.

These are some of the better results of my foray into the culinary world. Or, some of the lazier attempts, for those of you like me who wish to spend as little energy as possible. But they taste pretty darn good.

So. Number one.
You get some microwave popcorn and toss that heavenly little package of buttery goodness into the microwave and tap that nice convenient popcorn button. While that's a-popping, shove your hand into the cupboard where you keep your pans and flail it about until you find a saucepan. Bring that out and toss that onto your stove.

Turn the heat onto maybe medium or high or low, and take a minute to be fascinated by the flames and think on their symbolic possibilities.

Now take about two tablespoons of butter and plap (yeah, that's not a word, but it is the sound butter makes. Onomatopoeia, guys. It's a literary technique. I'm so sophisticated) that in there. Now take the same amount of brown sugar and let it and the butter get to know each other. Put a liiiiitle tiny bit of water in there, so the sugar can dissolve. These (if you couldn't tell already) are very rough measurements, I don't usually measure it at all. Just eyeball it. Now give it an authoritative and decisive stirring until it's all combined. It'll start to boil pretty soon, so don't get panicky. Let it bubble for a few seconds or a minute or two (you can tell I've got this down to a precise science) until you like the consistency (should be pourable). Turn off the heat (again musing on the metaphors presented to you), take that popcorn out of the microwave, spill it into a bowl, and drizzle that beautiful, cavity-inducing, carmel-esque sauce all over it.

If you want something that had a very slight chance of being talked into passing itself off as breakfast, ditch the sauce pan and the popcorn, find your self a non-stick skillet, put the butter and brown sugar in there (along with a very small amount of water perhaps), and toss some thinly-sliced green apples in there. Let that stew for a little while, 'til the apples are a little soft. Apples, guys. They're healthy. It's breakfast.

Recipe number three. The credit for this goes to my sister.
Brew yourself about a third of a cup of very strong coffee (the Keurig we have is ideal for that), and then (oh, the ecstasy) plunk a couple of scoops of vanilla ice cream in there. It's wonderful. Some of the ice cream will melt, some won't, it's glorious. *Reading Rainbow voice* But don't take my word for it. Make it.

There you are. Go, be free. Armed with the knowledge you now have, you're practically invincible. Well—never mind. Sorry again, mom.

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