Thursday, October 30, 2014

Ways to Find Sugar in a Sugar-free House

Well, well, well. I'm back. Only a few weeks after my last post. This is record-breaking, I think, compared to my average of 9.35 months 'twixt posting. Not that you care. Or anything. Anyway.

Since Joe (brother-o-mine) has a tumor growing inside his head (not-so-affectionately called 'Wilson'), the sugar intake in our house has dwindled and the kale consumption has easily quadrupled.  Which is a good thing, I guess. Maybe it's the kale (or maybe it's Maybelline), but his tumor has shrunk considerably. Thanks to all of you who are praying, by the way.

But that still leaves the issue of finding ways to fill my daily sugar-quota with as little effort as possible. Rather than swallowing my pride down with a glass of some mysterious green concoction labeled with words like 'energizing', 'antioxidant', 'all-natural', the classic 'completely organic', and '1000% daily value of vitamin A or X or 3.141592 or whatever', I've been experimenting. With fairly favorable results. I'll never turn to the dark side, mom. Or, at least not the dark leafy green side. Bless you for trying, though.

These are some of the better results of my foray into the culinary world. Or, some of the lazier attempts, for those of you like me who wish to spend as little energy as possible. But they taste pretty darn good.

So. Number one.
You get some microwave popcorn and toss that heavenly little package of buttery goodness into the microwave and tap that nice convenient popcorn button. While that's a-popping, shove your hand into the cupboard where you keep your pans and flail it about until you find a saucepan. Bring that out and toss that onto your stove.

Turn the heat onto maybe medium or high or low, and take a minute to be fascinated by the flames and think on their symbolic possibilities.

Now take about two tablespoons of butter and plap (yeah, that's not a word, but it is the sound butter makes. Onomatopoeia, guys. It's a literary technique. I'm so sophisticated) that in there. Now take the same amount of brown sugar and let it and the butter get to know each other. Put a liiiiitle tiny bit of water in there, so the sugar can dissolve. These (if you couldn't tell already) are very rough measurements, I don't usually measure it at all. Just eyeball it. Now give it an authoritative and decisive stirring until it's all combined. It'll start to boil pretty soon, so don't get panicky. Let it bubble for a few seconds or a minute or two (you can tell I've got this down to a precise science) until you like the consistency (should be pourable). Turn off the heat (again musing on the metaphors presented to you), take that popcorn out of the microwave, spill it into a bowl, and drizzle that beautiful, cavity-inducing, carmel-esque sauce all over it.

If you want something that had a very slight chance of being talked into passing itself off as breakfast, ditch the sauce pan and the popcorn, find your self a non-stick skillet, put the butter and brown sugar in there (along with a very small amount of water perhaps), and toss some thinly-sliced green apples in there. Let that stew for a little while, 'til the apples are a little soft. Apples, guys. They're healthy. It's breakfast.

Recipe number three. The credit for this goes to my sister.
Brew yourself about a third of a cup of very strong coffee (the Keurig we have is ideal for that), and then (oh, the ecstasy) plunk a couple of scoops of vanilla ice cream in there. It's wonderful. Some of the ice cream will melt, some won't, it's glorious. *Reading Rainbow voice* But don't take my word for it. Make it.

There you are. Go, be free. Armed with the knowledge you now have, you're practically invincible. Well—never mind. Sorry again, mom.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Find Dead Singles in Your Area (And Other Unusual Dating Websites)

Some people are delusional.
Some people have too much time on their hands.
Heaven help us when one person is both.
Or, when a whole website-full is.
DISCLAIMER: All of these actually exist.

Have you ever felt different, and wondered about other people that may be different too? Have you ever asked yourself how you could meet more of these special folks like yourself, since those boring mortals are far more common? Well, look no further. Here's a way to find a special someone for your (very) particular tastes.

Do the living bore you? Are they too easily scared off by your tales of the underworld? Do they laugh at you, and/or suggest mental help? Does being dead get you down? Are you having a hard time finding love because, well, you're dead? Well, here's the place for you to meet your soulmate. 'Til death do us part is so last year. is the #1 resource to finding soulmates for souls. Never fear spending the afterlife without love again.

How many times have you gotten a drink tossed in your face when all you wanted was her blood? Do you seem to scare off all the humans because of your pale skin, nocturnal habits, and anti-reflective tendencies? will help you meet dozens of other hot, single vampires in your area! Sign up today and get a quart of A positive blood free!

Arr! Plundering, terrorizing, and destroying Her Majesty's ships can get lonely! Instead of kidnapping a young maiden from the local village, try! Instantly connect with hundreds of other pirates worldwide! Meet up for some pillaging today!

Are you ridiculously attractive? Tired of seeing people everyday who are so not aesthetically pleasing? Do you spend hours on your appearance every morning, and most importantly, are you full of yourself? Well then is the place for you! They only accept the most beautiful of all. Only 1 in every 8 who apply are accepted. It's places like this responsible for the severe lack of self esteem found in half the population, and the blatant arrogance in the other half! Bonus points if you've been diagnosed with Narcissistic personality disorder by a credentialed psychologist. 

Is eHarmony just too mainstream? Are you tired of dating guys without mustaches, or girls without an unnatural hair color? Do you mindlessly hate Maroon 5 and Taylor Swift and any other band any normal person has ever heard of? is the best place to meet other hipsters online. Hurry, join before it becomes cool!

And, if none of those appeal to you, here are some more that may be just what you're looking for:—not for those city folk—meet other vegetarians—for catlovers—business in the front, party in the back

and finally, the weirdest one I could find:—I'm not clowning around