Tuesday, May 14, 2013

We're Not Selling Anything. Really. Just Salvation.


"We're not selling anything,"
The first tip-off that these official-looking people with their official-looking hardhats and vests and official-sounding voices were, in fact selling something. Apparently, SoCal Edison has suddenly and kindly felt that we are paying far too much on electricity bills, and out of the goodness of their hearts have sent these two angels down from above over to our humble abode to—not—sell us anything. Certainly not to try and persuade us to go solar. At a very (unmentioned) heavenly price, too. It's like noble conning. Go figure.

"We're not selling anything,"
I heard again, about three hours after the first pair of angels had left after about 13 "No, sorry, we're not interested"s, and after having the door shut nearly on their heavenly noses. I guess the lovely folks at "SoCal Edison" had sent a second pair of angels on us stubborn non-believers, to "gently" and "kindly" show us the ways of righteousness. Or, at least the ways of extravagantly expensive solar power. Two in a day. And still we refused to see the eco-friendly light. Again we shut the door in their angelic faces. They sure can talk the leg off a table.

I was thinking of ways to shut their preaching off. So next time they come around trying to convert us, they're gonna hear all about Jesus.

"Do you know how much you're paying on electricity bills currently?"
Do YOU know how much you're paying for your sins currently?
"Have you considered going with solar?"
Have YOU considered going with Jesus?
"Well, can I leave you a pamphlet?"
Can I leave YOU a tract? Here, take twelve. And here's a New Testament.
"Solar is the best way to go, it'll change your electricity bills drastically. We want to know if you would qualify for a complete conversion(what is this, the Borg collective?) free of charge."
Jesus is the best way to go, HE'LL change your life drastically. And it's completely free of charge.
"Have a nice day."
Have a nice LIFE. Then close the door with a creepy smile. Maybe quote some of Romans or something.

That should shut them up.


Saturday, May 4, 2013

10 Things To Do in Elevators

So this is gonna be a short one, because you guys are way to busy with finals and graduation and life and Doctor Who to read a long, well-thought out, terribly witty post. Or maybe that's just me.

But just for fun, here are some things to do when bored in a crowded elevator. Warning: this may make people hate you.

1. Talk in a british accent and ask people to call you admiral.

2. Tape off a corner of the elevator. Tell people that it's your corner, and they can't be in it.

3. Take about a hundred selfies. And maybe some pictures of other people too.

4. If it's just you and one other person, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

5. Talk to yourself or sing.

6. Carry an empty glass jar. Take it out, look surprised, and ask people if they've seen your pet tarantula.

7. Say "ding!" at every floor.

8. Bring a sock puppet. Enough said.

9. Ask people if you can push the button for them.

10.  Wait until the elevator is full, then say "you may be wondering why I've called you all here today..."