Thursday, March 21, 2013

Shakespeare is a Terrible Way to Die

Yeah, I know it's been a while. Sorry.

So, I think all of us know the pain of having to read Shakespeare or some nice thick novel that was written back when even Doctor Who hadn't aired yet (was there even such a time?). Yeah, It's a great book... says our AP english teacher. Maybe we could form the same opinion as our teacher. If we could understand what the heck ol' Will was trying to tell us. So I think it's time for a major rehaul of literature in the highschool curriculum. I think it's time to translate Dickens and Shakespeare and Chaucer into... modern language. Bear with me here. Observe my attempt at making these works comprehensible.


Scene I Act I
Barnardo: ‘sup, bro?
Francisco: ‘Sup bro yourself.
Barnardo: The king’s a boss.
F: Barnardo? My man?
B: the one and only.
F: you’re right on time.
B: yeah, well, it’s twelve. You should be in bed, young man.
F: whatevs. Thanks bro. it’s freezing out here, and I’m kinda low.
B: had a quiet shift?
F: pretty much.
B: well, see ya. If you see Horatio or Marcellus, tell ‘em to get the heck over here. They’re supposed to stand guard with me. It’s gonna be a wild time.
F: no, I hear em coming now. ‘Sup homies?
Horatio and Marcellus: We’re patriots!
F: well, see ya.
M: awesome. Wait, who’s replacing you?
F: Barnardo, chill out man. *Exits*
M: hey Barnardo.
B:*nods head upward* is Horatio here?
M: more or less.
B: sweet.
M: so have you seen that weird thing yet tonight?
B: don’t think so.
M: Horatio says we’re crazy, and he isn’t cool with believing this ghost thing. That’s why I told him to come join the party tonight, so he’ll see it and I’ll be all like “What now?”
Horatio: dude, chill out, its not going to happen.
B: chillax, dude, let me explain. If you don’t want to believe it that’s cool, but we’ve seen it two nights now.
B: so last night, right? About this here time, one o’clock or so, me and Marcellus—
*enter ghost*
M: dude, shut up!
B: it looks kinda like the dead king.
M (to H): bro, you’re smart. Go on, say something.
B: look, Horatio agrees with me, don’t you? It looks like the king, am I right?
H: yeah, bro. dude, this is creepy.
B: go on, say your piece.
M: ask it something, Horatio.
H: challenge accepted. (to ghost) hey! What’s up with you? Come at me bro!
M: dude, not like that. It’s offended.
B: yeah, it’s gone.
H: Stay where you are! Don’t leave! Talk to me, bro! I didn’t mean it!
*exit ghost*
B: Epic fail.
M: nice going, genius. It won’t answer now.
B: what’s up with you, Horatio? You look really creeped out. Now do see what we’ve been telling you?
H: I swear, if I hadn’t seen it myself, I never woulda believed it.
M: WHAT NOW??? HA! But its weird how it looks like the king, right?
H: yeah, pretty much. Weird.
M: yeah, it’s happened twice before, too. The ghost is such a stalker.
H: I dunno, but I don’t think this is cool for our country…


Ch 3:  The coolest guys around couldn’t even help Hrothgar (what a name, huh?), who was at an all-time low. His peeps just had to suck it up and endure the nightly attacks.
So, this monster Grendal, was pretty famous for his attacks in another kingdom. So this ruler of the other kingdom, Hygelac (and I though Hrothgar was bad…), had a great warrior who reported to him. This was a guy who really knew where his towel was. He had it all together. When he heard what was goin on, with Grendal and all, he was all like “naw, bro, that’s just not cool. Ima just sail on over and help my homie Hrothgar.”

His buddies really liked him (he probably had a girl too), and they were a little on edge to see him rushing off to fight some monster, but they were like, “that’s cool dude. We’ll be waiting for you. Tell us your story when you come back.”

So this warrior took like 14 of his closest friends (they were warriors too, but not quite as cool as this guy), probably had a long emotional conversation with his girlfriend (“say you’ll wait for me!”), and got gone.
Then there’s some poetic stuff about sailing and birds and stuff.
Then, when they got there, some upstart guard guy starts giving them nonsense about having permission and papers and gun control (not the smartest guy, seeing as these are warriors armed to the teeth). But then he comes around and is all like, “Oh, you guys are warriors, right? or are you spies? Same diff, really. But speak up.”
So, this warrior guy sets this upstart straight.
And by the way, he goes by Beowulf.

So that's that. Tell me if I should do more. 'Til then, watch out for Shakespeare and others. It can be deadly. Homework is a terrible way to die. Believe me.