Tuesday, January 8, 2013

One Direction Is Ripping a Hole In the Fabric of Space


 Something is silently ripping space apart. Something deadly, but cleverly disguised. If we don't stop it, it may create a void in the fabric of space the exact size of Estonia. We need to become aware of this force, for if we don't... I shudder to think. The universe is in peril. We need to act now, for One Direction is ripping a hole in the fabric of space.

You heard me right. The oh-so-popular British boy band is tearing the universe apart with a simple love song. "What Makes You Beautiful" is the origin of this. Yes, I've already contacted the Bureau of Space and Time (and the Bureau of Other Unrelated Anomalies, in case you were wondering), but they, too, failed to see the impending doom. Since they won't listen, here is my case:

In One Direction's big hit, "What Makes You Beautiful", the fact that she doesn't know that she is, in fact, beautiful, is the cause of her aforementioned beauty. But, now that they have written a song to her, proclaiming to the world and telling her in trite lines of lyrics that she is actually beautiful, she has obviously ceased to be beautiful. Because, of course, now that she has heard this undeservingly famous song written for her, she now knows that she is beautiful. Therefore, she is no longer beautiful, for stated in the song are the lines : "You don't know you're beautiful...(oh, oh)...that's what makes you beautiful."

But it doesn't end there. No, no, no it doesn't. It gets much worse. Now that this poor girl isn't beautiful anymore, she returns to her previous state of oblivious beauty, for she no longer knows that she is beautiful. And after all, that is what made her beautiful in the first place. Now she is back to being beautiful, but not for long. For again, the song tells her that she is beautiful, and again she ceases to be so, for her realization of her beauty immediately cancels it out.

And it goes on and on, in a downward spiral that will end up, if we're not careful, in effectively ripping a hole in the fabric of space. What should we do about it? Well, I would, for one, recommend that the band disband so as to prevent other holes from being created. To the rest of you... be aware. And careful. And maybe find something better to listen to than clich√©d pop songs. Nothing personal you understand, just protecting time and space...

'Til then, be careful. And maybe have a good life or something.

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