Saturday, January 12, 2013
Netflix's Most Forgettable
I think I speak for virtually all of us when I say: I love Netflix instant play (ooh! ooh! it rhymes too)(AHH! rhyme inception!)). I mean, I watch all of my TV shows via Netflix, and most of the movies I like too. But, unfortunately, the harvesting ground of Netflix watch instantly is riddled with rocks, potholes, the occasional cow, and a whole lot of low-to-no-budget horror movies that look like they were made in the producer's backyard with their new-in-the-80's camcorder that they dug out of the attic for the occasion.
First off, there are the movies that should've never even had a movie #1 that now have magically adopted a number 3 at the end of the title. You can immediately spot these by their title, something like: The Ballerina Princess in Disguise 3, or Robots in Decidedly Non-Robot Situations 3, or the ever-popular Ninja Robots vs. Alien Cowboys: The Extended Edition.
Then, you get the movies that try to pass themselves off as the real thing, like: The Oppressed Princess and her Authority Figure, or Supernatural Activity, Air Buddies 3, Titanic II (an actual movie on Netflix... but I thought it sank in the first movie?) , Legally Blondes, or anything like that.
Now we come to the deluge of holiday movies that, come Christmastide, infest the movie queue like a horde of ill-fed, giant, diseased rats. These too, you can recognize by the title. Things like: A Christmas Rabbit 3, and Holiday Dogs, A Christmas Song, How the Snowmen Saved Christmas, or the deadly Santa Claws 4. I have come to the conclusion that most holiday movies are, in fact, rubbish, so I simply stick with the Doctor Who Christmas specials.
Then there are the low-to-no-budget horror movies. These you can tell because they try very, very hard to take themselves seriously and fail miserably. These have titles like: The Zombie-Vampire invasion, or the Undead Tarantula, or the Two Headed Shark. Another way to tell if a horror or action movie is rubbish is if they don't put any of the actors names on the front. Or if the ratings and quotes are from utterly obscure companies that have no business reviewing movies and probably couldn't tell a good movie if it danced the tango wearing a kilt in front of them. Oh, and if there is a scantily-clad woman on the front, especially if she is the only thing on the front, she was probably the highest-paid actor in the film. So don't watch it. It probably sucks.
I have also learned how to tell a romantic drama from a romantic comedy (and the basic plot line) from the cover of said movie. Assuming there are a man and a woman on the cover, the plot is as follows:
#1. If they are looking at each other, you can safely assume that it's a romantic drama. And it's something sweet and sentimental about after everything tries to tear them apart, they don't give in, blah blah blah, they fall in love, blah blah, the end.
#2. If the guy is looking at the girl and the girl is looking at you, It's a romantic comedy, and the plot is something like she kinda likes him, but he's not really into her or anything, so after an hour and a half of some clichéd retorts and questionable acting, he finally stops being such an idiot and they fall in love.
#3. If the guy is looking at you and the girl is looking at him, it probably means that there was another woman involved.
#4 For some reason, if they're both looking at you, it's probably a good movie. I haven't figured out why yet, but that seems to be usually true.
#5 And finally, if they're back to back, holding machine guns, have a ridiculous expression on their face, or doing some cool-looking but wholly impractical martial arts moves, the movie is rubbish. Don't watch it.
So, I hope that I have perhaps slightly lessened the grief and pain of the Netflix Instant Queue for you, and 'til then, have, um, some cake or something like that. Not all cake is a lie. [<-- sorry, computer game reference. Yeah, I'm kind of a nerd. Deal with it.]