Wednesday, January 30, 2013

We Need To Break Up...

My love,

I can't honestly say I never thought it would end like this. I think we both knew that eventually, this would end. It was great while it lasted, it felt like it would never end... that it would just continue on in blissful happiness for all eternity... but it's time to face reality. This relationship just can't last the way it is. Don't worry, it's not you, it's me. It's my fault for thinking that maybe this could last forever... and leading you on. It's my fault for enjoying every second of our short relationship. I just never realized it would be over so soon. You were amazing, but now it's time to move on to other things. But I don't think I could ever feel the same way about anything again. You were one of the best things in my life at the time... but now, all that's left is just a hollow shell of what you used to be. At least I'll always remember you. You were everything to me. But that's all changed now. I've come to realize that some things just can't last forever. Honestly, I think we both knew it had to end this way. With me happy and you dead. Forever. No, I'm not sorry for what I've done. But you were still the best piece of pie I ever ate.

Sincerely, Me.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

10 Things Doctor Who Has Taught Me

1. Running is usually the best option.

2. Sometimes the best way to react to deadly serious things is to take them a little lightly.

3. London is a very, very bad place to be on Christmas Eve.

4. Statues are evil.

5. No matter how bad the situation looks, it can always be solved in forty minutes.

6. Sometimes the people who seem the happiest are the ones who have suffered the most.

7. Always bring a banana to a party.

8. Don't be afraid to act ridiculous.

9. Always press the big red button.

10. Five minutes isn't nothing. You can do a lot in five minutes.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Netflix's Most Forgettable

I think I speak for virtually all of us when I say: I love Netflix instant play (ooh! ooh! it rhymes too)(AHH! rhyme inception!)). I mean, I watch all of my TV shows via Netflix, and most of the movies I like too. But, unfortunately, the harvesting ground of Netflix watch instantly is riddled with rocks, potholes, the occasional cow, and a whole lot of low-to-no-budget horror movies that look like they were made in the producer's backyard with their new-in-the-80's camcorder that they dug out of the attic for the occasion.

First off, there are the movies that should've never even had a movie #1 that now have magically adopted a number 3 at the end of the title. You can immediately spot these by their title, something like: The Ballerina Princess in Disguise 3, or Robots in Decidedly Non-Robot Situations 3, or the ever-popular Ninja Robots vs. Alien Cowboys: The Extended Edition.

Then, you get the movies that try to pass themselves off as the real thing, like: The Oppressed Princess and her Authority Figure, or Supernatural Activity, Air Buddies 3, Titanic II (an actual movie on Netflix... but I thought it sank in the first movie?) , Legally Blondes, or anything like that.

Now we come to the deluge of holiday movies that, come Christmastide, infest the movie queue like a horde of ill-fed, giant, diseased rats. These too, you can recognize by the title. Things like: A Christmas Rabbit 3, and Holiday Dogs, A Christmas Song, How the Snowmen Saved Christmas, or the deadly Santa Claws 4. I have come to the conclusion that most holiday movies are, in fact, rubbish, so I simply stick with the Doctor Who Christmas specials.

Then there are the low-to-no-budget horror movies. These you can tell because they try very, very hard to take themselves seriously and fail miserably. These have titles like: The Zombie-Vampire invasion, or the Undead Tarantula, or the Two Headed Shark. Another way to tell if a horror or action movie is rubbish is if they don't put any of the actors names on the front. Or if the ratings and quotes are from utterly obscure companies that have no business reviewing movies and probably couldn't tell a good movie if it danced the tango wearing a kilt in front of them. Oh, and if there is a scantily-clad woman on the front, especially if she is the only thing on the front, she was probably the highest-paid actor in the film. So don't watch it. It probably sucks.

I have also learned how to tell a romantic drama from a romantic comedy (and the basic plot line) from the cover of said movie. Assuming there are a man and a woman on the cover, the plot is as follows:
#1. If they are looking at each other, you can safely assume that it's a romantic drama. And it's something sweet and sentimental about after everything tries to tear them apart, they don't give in, blah blah blah, they fall in love, blah blah, the end.
#2. If the guy is looking at the girl and the girl is looking at you, It's a romantic comedy, and the plot is something like she kinda likes him, but he's not really into her or anything, so after an hour and a half of some clichéd retorts and questionable acting, he finally stops being such an idiot and they fall in love.
#3. If the guy is looking at you and the girl is looking at him, it probably means that there was another woman involved.
#4 For some reason, if they're both looking at you, it's probably a good movie. I haven't figured out why yet, but that seems to be usually true.
#5 And finally, if they're back to back, holding machine guns, have a ridiculous expression on their face, or doing some cool-looking but wholly impractical martial arts moves, the movie is rubbish. Don't watch it.

So, I hope that I have perhaps slightly lessened the grief and pain of the Netflix Instant Queue for you, and 'til then, have, um, some cake or something like that. Not all cake is a lie. [<-- sorry, computer game reference. Yeah, I'm kind of a nerd. Deal with it.]

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

One Direction Is Ripping a Hole In the Fabric of Space

 Something is silently ripping space apart. Something deadly, but cleverly disguised. If we don't stop it, it may create a void in the fabric of space the exact size of Estonia. We need to become aware of this force, for if we don't... I shudder to think. The universe is in peril. We need to act now, for One Direction is ripping a hole in the fabric of space.

You heard me right. The oh-so-popular British boy band is tearing the universe apart with a simple love song. "What Makes You Beautiful" is the origin of this. Yes, I've already contacted the Bureau of Space and Time (and the Bureau of Other Unrelated Anomalies, in case you were wondering), but they, too, failed to see the impending doom. Since they won't listen, here is my case:

In One Direction's big hit, "What Makes You Beautiful", the fact that she doesn't know that she is, in fact, beautiful, is the cause of her aforementioned beauty. But, now that they have written a song to her, proclaiming to the world and telling her in trite lines of lyrics that she is actually beautiful, she has obviously ceased to be beautiful. Because, of course, now that she has heard this undeservingly famous song written for her, she now knows that she is beautiful. Therefore, she is no longer beautiful, for stated in the song are the lines : "You don't know you're beautiful...(oh, oh)...that's what makes you beautiful."

But it doesn't end there. No, no, no it doesn't. It gets much worse. Now that this poor girl isn't beautiful anymore, she returns to her previous state of oblivious beauty, for she no longer knows that she is beautiful. And after all, that is what made her beautiful in the first place. Now she is back to being beautiful, but not for long. For again, the song tells her that she is beautiful, and again she ceases to be so, for her realization of her beauty immediately cancels it out.

And it goes on and on, in a downward spiral that will end up, if we're not careful, in effectively ripping a hole in the fabric of space. What should we do about it? Well, I would, for one, recommend that the band disband so as to prevent other holes from being created. To the rest of you... be aware. And careful. And maybe find something better to listen to than clichéd pop songs. Nothing personal you understand, just protecting time and space...

'Til then, be careful. And maybe have a good life or something.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

The Avenger...ers

Don't get me wrong. I love The Avengers. I saw it a total of four times in theaters, and now own it on DVD. But every time I watch it... I can't help but feel, well, just slightly disappointed. Yeah Iron Man (obviously the best character) and Hawkeye (why does it always sound like 'hot guy' when you say it out loud? Really, try it.) are great, but if I was in charge, that script would have been a bit different. I was trying to pinpoint what exactly it was that gave me that subtle underwhelming feeling, when I realized with a start: the cast was all wrong. These heroes are great, but they could have been so much better.

So, I have decided to compile a new team of heroes. These are the Avengerers (or, the More Vengeful for all you grammar police out there, but it just doesn't have the same ring to it).

1.  Anyone who knows me well will be able to instantly predict who I am about to say first.
The Doctor. The Doctor is the main character in a British TV show called Doctor Who, and it truly is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Come to think about it, what is so great about sliced bread? Anyway, The Doctor would definitely be a great Avengerer. I mean, he saves the world on a daily basis anyway...

2. Gandalf. Perhaps the best character in the Lord of the Rings, he would bring some gravity to this group. Although we don't actually see him use magic all that often in the books or movies, he is certainly capable of more than we give him credit for.

3. Jason Bourne (from the Bourne trilogy). Although simply human, he possesses some wicked fighting skills (and even better driving skills). I mean, he can take out a house with a magazine and a toaster. And take out a hit man with a ballpoint pen. Plus, he's just, well, cool. There's just this aura of coolness surrounding him wherever he goes.

4. After recently seeing the movies and starting the books ( I just finished the third), I have come to realize that this young man deserves a place in the Avengerers. Harry Potter. Harry Potter definitely should be on this team. I mean, you never know when you'll need a well placed 'Expelliarmus'. Of course, the Doctor can probably do that simply with his Sonic Screwdriver, but Harry is capable of much more than just that. I mean, he defeated Vol— I mean, he-who-must-not-be-named more than a few times. Though it is nice of you-know-who to wait 'til the end of each school year to try and kill Harry. Even though he wants to take over the world and kill everybody, he still cares about Harry's education.

5. Being the trekkie (Star Trek Fan) that I am, I have to include the best character in the series. No, not Captain Kirk. Not even close. The character I am talking about is much, much better. He is, of course, Data. Data is from Star Trek TNG (The Next Generation), is an android (sort of like a super advanced robot. He looks human, except he has really pale skin, no emotions, and is a whole lot stronger and contains a whole lot more information than a normal human), and is by far my favorite character in the series. I have a feeling that Data and the Doctor would get along well, because they're both fond of spouting out really sci-fi-sounding-advanced-computer-techie stuff. Except Data actually knows what he's talking about.

6. Now, not many of you will know this next Avengerer. She is a literary character, and though I haven't read the books, my brother has assured me that she definitely belongs in the Avengerers, and encourages you to look it up. Her name is Maximum Ride. She started as an experiment in a government-lab-top-secret-evil-safe-house-thing. As a result, she has wings, can fly, and does other cool things. She belongs here, in the Avengerers.

So, we have our team. I've spent some time thinking about how they would interact with each other, and come to the conclusion that The Doctor would automatically take charge (because he always does), but Gandalf would actually be the backbone that holds this team together. Harry Potter meanwhile, would be annoyed that he wasn't in charge (because he usually is) and also be miffed that he's the youngest on the team (actually Max might be younger, I'm not sure). Data and the Doctor, as I mentioned before, would get along well because they're the true geniuses of the team. Come to think of it, Data would get along with everyone well. I'm not sure how Max would take all of this (owing to the fact that I haven't actually read the books), and Jason Bourne would just be all chill all the time. They would fly around in the TARDIS (Ha! it actually does have the right number of pilots now! [<--- Doctor Who reference]) and fight all the antagonists of the universe.

Note: Many may think that I have missed the obvious choice of Katniss for the female Avengerer, but—just—no. No. The Hunger Games will not be observed in this team of pure awesomeness. It just doesn't belong. Sorry. The book was good. It was good, just not, well, that good.

So that's that. Tell me if I missed anyone. 'Til then, have a fantastic life.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Monkey See, Monkey Do...


          Ok. My turn.  My older brother and sister both started blogs not long ago, and, after deliberating for some time about it (about two and a half minutes) and having a deep, insightful conversation with my sister about it ( "Hey Jamie, should I start a blog?" "Yeah, you probably should."), I finally came to the conclusion that I should, in fact, start a blog. Now I've no idea how often I will write in it, or just what I will end up writing about, but it's the thought that counts, right?

I may end up talking about books and movies (likely), Doctor Who (likelihood on a scale of 1 to 10: 11), musings on life (very likely), the random, disconnected thoughts (pretty much all my thoughts) that run through my head (very likely), or the growing price of dried apricots in Tajikistan (not very likely at all, but you never know).

I hope this is something I write in quite a bit, but considering all the loopholes and fragmentation currently infesting the space-time continuum, that may not be possible. But I'll try. I promise. I've already contacted the Bureau of Space and Time and Other Unrelated Anomalies. They're on it. No, I did not just make that up. Ok, fine. Just kidding. You got me. Of course the Bureau of Space and Time and the Bureau of Other Unrelated Anomalies are completely different things. Duh.

Anyway, I guess the point of this for me is to organize my thoughts that are always trying to run in all possible directions (and a few more). And I hope that, for you, it might make you smile just a bit. After all, it takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile. And 0 to sit there with a dumb look on your face, I guess. So if you want to burn calories (or build up your face-muscles), I suggest frowning on a regular basis, maybe at everyone you see. But if you want to keep your friends, and save energy, smiling would be best for you. And finally, sitting there with a dumb look on your face would be best if you absolutely wanted to conserve all possible energy. I mean, there are so many things you could do with that energy that you just saved. Just think of all the possibilities...

But I digress. 'Til we meet again, then.