Thursday, October 30, 2014

Ways to Find Sugar in a Sugar-free House

Well, well, well. I'm back. Only a few weeks after my last post. This is record-breaking, I think, compared to my average of 9.35 months 'twixt posting. Not that you care. Or anything. Anyway.

Since Joe (brother-o-mine) has a tumor growing inside his head (not-so-affectionately called 'Wilson'), the sugar intake in our house has dwindled and the kale consumption has easily quadrupled.  Which is a good thing, I guess. Maybe it's the kale (or maybe it's Maybelline), but his tumor has shrunk considerably. Thanks to all of you who are praying, by the way.

But that still leaves the issue of finding ways to fill my daily sugar-quota with as little effort as possible. Rather than swallowing my pride down with a glass of some mysterious green concoction labeled with words like 'energizing', 'antioxidant', 'all-natural', the classic 'completely organic', and '1000% daily value of vitamin A or X or 3.141592 or whatever', I've been experimenting. With fairly favorable results. I'll never turn to the dark side, mom. Or, at least not the dark leafy green side. Bless you for trying, though.

These are some of the better results of my foray into the culinary world. Or, some of the lazier attempts, for those of you like me who wish to spend as little energy as possible. But they taste pretty darn good.

So. Number one.
You get some microwave popcorn and toss that heavenly little package of buttery goodness into the microwave and tap that nice convenient popcorn button. While that's a-popping, shove your hand into the cupboard where you keep your pans and flail it about until you find a saucepan. Bring that out and toss that onto your stove.

Turn the heat onto maybe medium or high or low, and take a minute to be fascinated by the flames and think on their symbolic possibilities.

Now take about two tablespoons of butter and plap (yeah, that's not a word, but it is the sound butter makes. Onomatopoeia, guys. It's a literary technique. I'm so sophisticated) that in there. Now take the same amount of brown sugar and let it and the butter get to know each other. Put a liiiiitle tiny bit of water in there, so the sugar can dissolve. These (if you couldn't tell already) are very rough measurements, I don't usually measure it at all. Just eyeball it. Now give it an authoritative and decisive stirring until it's all combined. It'll start to boil pretty soon, so don't get panicky. Let it bubble for a few seconds or a minute or two (you can tell I've got this down to a precise science) until you like the consistency (should be pourable). Turn off the heat (again musing on the metaphors presented to you), take that popcorn out of the microwave, spill it into a bowl, and drizzle that beautiful, cavity-inducing, carmel-esque sauce all over it.

If you want something that had a very slight chance of being talked into passing itself off as breakfast, ditch the sauce pan and the popcorn, find your self a non-stick skillet, put the butter and brown sugar in there (along with a very small amount of water perhaps), and toss some thinly-sliced green apples in there. Let that stew for a little while, 'til the apples are a little soft. Apples, guys. They're healthy. It's breakfast.

Recipe number three. The credit for this goes to my sister.
Brew yourself about a third of a cup of very strong coffee (the Keurig we have is ideal for that), and then (oh, the ecstasy) plunk a couple of scoops of vanilla ice cream in there. It's wonderful. Some of the ice cream will melt, some won't, it's glorious. *Reading Rainbow voice* But don't take my word for it. Make it.


There you are. Go, be free. Armed with the knowledge you now have, you're practically invincible. Well—never mind. Sorry again, mom.




Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Find Dead Singles in Your Area (And Other Unusual Dating Websites)

Some people are delusional.
Some people have too much time on their hands.
Heaven help us when one person is both.
Or, when a whole website-full is.
DISCLAIMER: All of these actually exist.

Ahem.
Have you ever felt different, and wondered about other people that may be different too? Have you ever asked yourself how you could meet more of these special folks like yourself, since those boring mortals are far more common? Well, look no further. Here's a way to find a special someone for your (very) particular tastes.

Do the living bore you? Are they too easily scared off by your tales of the underworld? Do they laugh at you, and/or suggest mental help? Does being dead get you down? Are you having a hard time finding love because, well, you're dead? Well, here's the place for you to meet your soulmate. 'Til death do us part is so last year.

http://www.ghostsingles.com is the #1 resource to finding soulmates for souls. Never fear spending the afterlife without love again.

How many times have you gotten a drink tossed in your face when all you wanted was her blood? Do you seem to scare off all the humans because of your pale skin, nocturnal habits, and anti-reflective tendencies?
http://www.datevampires.com will help you meet dozens of other hot, single vampires in your area! Sign up today and get a quart of A positive blood free!

Arr! Plundering, terrorizing, and destroying Her Majesty's ships can get lonely! Instead of kidnapping a young maiden from the local village, try http://www.piratespassions.com! Instantly connect with hundreds of other pirates worldwide! Meet up for some pillaging today!

Are you ridiculously attractive? Tired of seeing people everyday who are so not aesthetically pleasing? Do you spend hours on your appearance every morning, and most importantly, are you full of yourself? Well then http://www.beautifulpeople.com/en-US is the place for you! They only accept the most beautiful of all. Only 1 in every 8 who apply are accepted. It's places like this responsible for the severe lack of self esteem found in half the population, and the blatant arrogance in the other half! Bonus points if you've been diagnosed with Narcissistic personality disorder by a credentialed psychologist. 

Is eHarmony just too mainstream? Are you tired of dating guys without mustaches, or girls without an unnatural hair color? Do you mindlessly hate Maroon 5 and Taylor Swift and any other band any normal person has ever heard of?
http://www.hipsterdatingsite.com is the best place to meet other hipsters online. Hurry, join before it becomes cool!


And, if none of those appeal to you, here are some more that may be just what you're looking for:

http://www.farmersonly.com—not for those city folk
http://www.veggiedate.org—meet other vegetarians 
http://www.purrsonals.com—for catlovers
http://mulletpassions.com—business in the front, party in the back

and finally, the weirdest one I could find:
http://www.clowndating.com—I'm not clowning around


Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Another Day

Yeah, I know this is a little different, so feel free to shoot, disown, burn, make faces at, or get into a theological discussion on Youtube with me about it. I just like writing fiction-y things more than meh-boring-maybe-kinda-stretching-the-truth-non-fictiony things. So here it is. If you want more fiction-y things in the future, tell me. Yep, all seven of you who still read this. Oh, sorry person who got lost on Google and wound up here after searching through treacherous swamps of the six or seventh page of your daycare Google search (you'll see why you're here in a minute), you too.

You see that aesthetically-pleasing thing on the bottom that says 'comments'? That, maybe to your surprise, is not there just to sit and look aesthetically pleasing. Use it, if you want. That's what it's there for. Though do be sure you take a moment and appreciate the aesthetically pleasing element of it. Though I've been practicing my telepathy, I won't be able to know what you think unless you tell me. So tell me if you like this, If it's the best thing you've ever read, or if you want more. Heh. No, Seriously. Tell me if you like it, if you didn't, if it was terrible, if you're never speaking to me again, or if you want more of this (or maybe something more serious) fiction-y stuff.  Because I won't know unless you tell me. Ah, logic.

Maybe I should stop rambling now. So here's my story:

I look out the dirty windows. The sun is trying so hard to break through the barrier of the dark clouds, but is failing. My captors discuss in hushed tones, above my head, whether we should be taken outside into the bleak mid-winter day. I pray they won't send us out into the harsh wind.

Surreptitiously, I glance over at them. They notice my glare and tell me to finish eating my food. Hah, food. I wonder how long it's been sitting on that shelf, so high above my head. My fellow prisoners are also forced to eat the dry, tasteless meal. Some appear to enjoy it. I feel pity for them, for they've obviously lost all sense of taste after eating...whatever this is for so long.

Suddenly, one of our tall, stern captors stands up and barks at us to finish eating, we were being taken outside. I curse inwardly. My worn jacket is too thin, the wind will cut through it easily.

We are marched, single file, towards the glass door. One of my captors stands in front, leading the march towards the cold, another stands behind, making sure there are no stragglers. I again am frustrated. There's no chance for an escape, no way I could make it out of here. I adjust the twisted identification tag pinned to the back of my jacket, straightening it out.

After I'm pushed through the door, I walk alongside the fence. the ground is covered with sharp splinters of wood, getting stuck to my socks and into my shoes. I look up at the metal contraptions my fellow captives are climbing over. The metal structures are tall, far taller than I will ever be. They loom condescendingly over me, their gaudy colors slightly faded in the bleak grey light.

I sigh and run my hand along the towering fence. Soon, I'll be out of here. The trees on the other side whisper to me a dozen ways of escape, but I will wait. I smile. I'll bide my time. And eventually, I will be free.

A bell rings somewhere. I look up. This is what I am waiting for. As they count and file us back inside, I look back at the yard. Good riddance, I think, although I know I will be back here tomorrow, the day after, and the day after that, the end nowhere in sight.

This has been another day at preschool.


(and this may or may not be a slight parody to A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich depending on the copyright laws and whatnot. Hey, I've got to find some way to enjoy these school books.)

(oh, and that aesthetically-pleasing box down there is the comment box I was telling you about, in case you got lost. You type stuff there. I mean, relevant stuff. As much as I love editing, I don't really want to read your essay or lab report or thank-you note to your grandmother for the lovely sweater she sent you last Christmas. So don't be a smart aleck. Or annoying. Or a serial killer. Or all three.)



Thursday, June 27, 2013

How to Anger vs. Happy a Nerd


Basically what the title says. If you want to annoy your geek friends to no end, or if you want to impress them, here you go.

How to anger a nerd:

1) "Is Doctor Who an alien?"
2) "I watched Harry Potter because it had Edward Cullen in it."
3) "I don't read."
4) "Who's Benedict Cumberbatch?"
5) "Wait... that movie was based on a book?"



How to happy a nerd:

1) "Lord of the Rings? I love those books!"
2) "I'm a Ravenclaw... what's your house?"
3) "David Tennant was my favorite Doctor."
4) "I want to form a Quidditch team."
5) "Kirk's pretty good... but Picard was better."

You're welcome.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Something...Normal?


So I decided to try and write about normal things today. Hey, stop laughing! I mean it. No more holes in the Space-Time Continuum. No more paradoxes. No more...are you quite finished?

So...well...this is...different. What do normal people think about all the time? The weather?

Oh yeah! It's Summer! hooray!! hooray!! We school folk are free from tyranny for three months! What's that? Closer to 2 1/2 months? Be quiet. Let me dream. My summer will consist of watching Doctor Who (I can't wait for the 50th anniversary special in November!), writing a whole lot, playing guitar (and making the neighbors thoroughly sick of Owl City), and pretty much being an elusive (though brilliant, of course) geek the rest of the time. Oh, and getting through that stack of about 14 books that I told myself I would read over the summer.

Oh! And going to one of my favorite places... Hume Lake. Seriously the best summer camp ever. I didn't think I would be able to go this year. Thanks to whoever paid my scholarship. You guys, you have not lived until you've gone there. You play these weird random games that are probably more fun for the staff to watch you attempt, eat the best milkshakes ever, get stranded in the middle of the lake because your canoe tipped, get woken up by the staff who force you to say the Pledge of Allegiance at five in the morning, and stay up until 4 AM telling weird stories about ceiling fans and a demonic clown and laughing maniacally. Seriously, it's the best.

So that's how I'm spending my summer. At least how I plan to spend it. I dunno, maybe the apocalypse will happen. Maybe I'll die (again). Maybe Aliens will attack. Maybe California will secede. That would be cool. Now you know what I think about all the time.

Anyway, have a great life and here's to summer!




Tuesday, May 14, 2013

We're Not Selling Anything. Really. Just Salvation.


"We're not selling anything,"
The first tip-off that these official-looking people with their official-looking hardhats and vests and official-sounding voices were, in fact selling something. Apparently, SoCal Edison has suddenly and kindly felt that we are paying far too much on electricity bills, and out of the goodness of their hearts have sent these two angels down from above over to our humble abode to—not—sell us anything. Certainly not to try and persuade us to go solar. At a very (unmentioned) heavenly price, too. It's like noble conning. Go figure.

"We're not selling anything,"
I heard again, about three hours after the first pair of angels had left after about 13 "No, sorry, we're not interested"s, and after having the door shut nearly on their heavenly noses. I guess the lovely folks at "SoCal Edison" had sent a second pair of angels on us stubborn non-believers, to "gently" and "kindly" show us the ways of righteousness. Or, at least the ways of extravagantly expensive solar power. Two in a day. And still we refused to see the eco-friendly light. Again we shut the door in their angelic faces. They sure can talk the leg off a table.

I was thinking of ways to shut their preaching off. So next time they come around trying to convert us, they're gonna hear all about Jesus.

"Do you know how much you're paying on electricity bills currently?"
Do YOU know how much you're paying for your sins currently?
"Have you considered going with solar?"
Have YOU considered going with Jesus?
"Well, can I leave you a pamphlet?"
Can I leave YOU a tract? Here, take twelve. And here's a New Testament.
"Solar is the best way to go, it'll change your electricity bills drastically. We want to know if you would qualify for a complete conversion(what is this, the Borg collective?) free of charge."
Jesus is the best way to go, HE'LL change your life drastically. And it's completely free of charge.
"Have a nice day."
Have a nice LIFE. Then close the door with a creepy smile. Maybe quote some of Romans or something.

That should shut them up.


Saturday, May 4, 2013

10 Things To Do in Elevators

So this is gonna be a short one, because you guys are way to busy with finals and graduation and life and Doctor Who to read a long, well-thought out, terribly witty post. Or maybe that's just me.

But just for fun, here are some things to do when bored in a crowded elevator. Warning: this may make people hate you.

1. Talk in a british accent and ask people to call you admiral.

2. Tape off a corner of the elevator. Tell people that it's your corner, and they can't be in it.

3. Take about a hundred selfies. And maybe some pictures of other people too.

4. If it's just you and one other person, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

5. Talk to yourself or sing.

6. Carry an empty glass jar. Take it out, look surprised, and ask people if they've seen your pet tarantula.

7. Say "ding!" at every floor.

8. Bring a sock puppet. Enough said.

9. Ask people if you can push the button for them.

10.  Wait until the elevator is full, then say "you may be wondering why I've called you all here today..."